“Go confidently in the direction of your dreams!”
I stood inside the Mac store window, two small sticky stars covering my nipples and a thin strip of nude fabric for underwear, fear rippling down alongside my body.
“This will be good for you,” my agency had told me. “It’ll raise your confidence.” The year was 2003. I was brand-new to modeling, even though I was already twenty-two. I knew absolutely nothing about fashion, least about confidence –a concept foreign to me.
Even though that moment in the window felt like a deep-dive into the classic nightmare where you appear naked in public, it did raise some confidence in me. In the challenge, I discovered that nothing bad was in effect happening. People came to talk to me, either to pay compliments, share reflections on their own experiences, or simply offer compassion. Stripped off all my usual protective layers, I realized that people were mostly kind and benevolent. So, why was I so scared of everything?
The suffering, it turns out, was all in my head, fearful and full of assumptions.
What I’ve learned over the years, dealing with anxiety, is that confidence is a muscle you build. It was in New-Zealand, on the other side of the world, that I started learning how to flex that muscle.
When you don’t have confidence, when you doubt yourself and your ability to figure things out, it affects every area of your life: your relationships, work/school, your mental and physical health, as well as your finances. Self-doubt can lead to hypervigilant behaviors, from being hyper critical and blaming others, to feeling unloved or inferior, withdrawing, shutting down, being a victim of abuse or having suicidal thoughts. Anxiety, depression, lack of support, physical or mental health issues, perfectionism, social media are all possible sources of insecurities. I’ve experienced all of them first hand.
Lacking confidence keeps us from living a big and full life. The underlying stress, distress or anxiety that comes with it can slow us down, and even pulls us back to the point that we become so discouraged that we stop going for our dreams. While the subject is complex, with a good understanding and a sound plan of action, we can eventually begin to un-peal each obstacle standing on the way to confidence.
I spent a few years in therapy to understand and befriend my trauma and fear of abandonment. Until I could own my story, I couldn’t begin to deal with it, let alone heal from it. Eager to turn what I was learning about myself into action, I started a meditation practice and began coaching myself. I learned to relax and get control over my response to life. I stopped being so scared of everyone, and even wrote a book about embracing the unknown! I continued to go deeper, exploring mysticism and energy healing, practices that keep me connected to the highest parts of me, and which now forms the core of my personal and professional coaching and healing practice.
The journey never ends, I thought, when I moved to New York. More challenges kept rising and new layers of self-doubt would show up. I was determined to not let any of my fears stop me any longer and to explore this new life I was creating. The only constant is change, it is said. Never done. Life will undo some parts of us, we might close off for a while, and may unfold again. It’s ok. It’s normal. And when that happens, it’s important to remember to embrace the whole of who we are, especially the scared part of us. That’s healing. I find it helps to place a hand on my heart and say to my younger and scared part: I got you. I hear you. I’m here for you.
During those first years of modeling in New York, I faked it. I got an idea of what it looked like to be confident on the outside and modeled that. (I was also taking acting classes!) I then learned to connect to the feeling and faked it until I felt it. (I was also reading the best-seller book, The Secret.)
What I was also doing, without realizing it, was that I was constantly challenging myself.
From the moment I went backpacking around the world and then gave modeling a try, I took a major step into the unknown. For the first time in my life, I had no back-up plan. Truth is, it worked out pretty ok! And that’s exactly what helped me build trust in myself and the world at large.
As I made my own path, I learned to walk with more confidence, to stand a little taller, full of appreciation for my progress in life and filled with gratitude for those who had walked along by my side, guiding and supporting me. I began to know myself. And I began to trust my ability to figure things out and keep moving and growing in the world. Confidence is a building of many blocks.
“You got to see the problem as the portal. ”
A few years ago, my anxiety surged again. I was separating from my child’s father and it was just awful and painful. There were aspects of myself that needed deeper healing still. In relationships, I avoided. I was a people-pleaser and showed signs of co-dependency. While I had grown confident in many areas of my life, in relationships, I hadn’t. My mind was set on the belief that something was wrong with me. Here I was again, with that less than feeling. I went back to the drawing board and focused on the foundation. I did a lot of grounding practice and completed my reiki master certification during that time. I faced new fears, as I was now a single mum, with a house and tenants to manage alone.
It became more and more clear that low self-confidence came from a negative mindset, where there’s just not enough of everything. When you feel less than, there’s not enough love, kindness, money, intelligence, or beauty to go around. You act and react from a negative mindset -something is missing and you’re looking at your cup half-empty.
In an abundance mindset, we see the world positively, with a cup half full. There’s enough of everything and we are enough.
It’s the challenges we go through that give us the opportunity to grow more confident, if we’re willing to shift mindset. Peace and harmony eventually return and we feel whole again. Confidence is a coming home to the self and a pathway to freedom. If there’s plenty, there’s no limit. It’s not only safe to be ourselves, it’s also freeing.
Today, my on-going practice is to not close again and stay open to the challenges, knowing I got this, no matter what. I wasn’t raised confident, but I can flex this muscle and grow every day a little more. Investing in ourselves that way is a little like investing in stocks: it grows with compound effects.
Guiding Principles and Practices
Confidence is an inside job that begets more traction when you repeat positive experiences.
You’ll find below some principles and practices that will help you build up some confidence. That’s self-care, my sweet and beautiful friend!
Talk kindly to yourself and challenge any unkind thought.
Use positive affirmations
Avoid comparison with others. Only compare yourself to the version you used to be and the one you strive to become.
Own your story. Understand your journey, accept it and keep traveling.
Challenge yourself. Over and over again.
Remind yourself that it’s ok to make mistakes.
Focus on the positive by celebrating every success you have.
Make it a habit at night to list your progress.
Surround yourself with positive people.
Work on your boundaries. What’s ok, not ok with you. Follow through.
Stand taller and practice walking with a long spine, head up.
Meditate. Spend time in silence. Be in the present moment. Ground yourself.
You deserve a big beautiFULL life. I can’t wait to see what you do with it!
Love,
Sandrine