New Year, New Chapter: Ask Yourself These 3 Powerful Questions for a Life-Changing Transformation!

Do you sometimes ask yourself: What am I here for? What’s the meaning of it all?

If so, you and me both! I love asking deep beautiful questions that challenge the state we’re in to always live the truest version of ourselves. While our soul might be on this never ending spiritual journey, our human experience isn’t. It’s limited. At the end of it all, when the bell rings, coz it will, we want to truly feel grateful for the life we had. If it all stopped right now, could you say: What a life well-lived?

I know it sounds a bit dark and intense, but it’s only by stirring the pot from the bottom up and around that we get to taste the fullness life has to offer. And really, what else are we here for, but to connect, share with each other, feel whole and wholesome? Every time some tragedy unfolds in the world, it’s the positive expression of our humanity that transcends it all. Let’s not wait for a tragedy to shine our humanity.

The biggest threat to our happiness is

THE DEFAULT BUTTON.

In every moment, we have a choice: to be happy or not. In every moment, we get the chance to (co-)create the life we want to have. But we can only change what we’re aware off… That’s why the biggest threat to our happiness is the default button. LIVE BY DESIGN, not by default.

To help you get the pot stirring and the design starting, I put those 3 Questions together:

1. If time and money were not issue, what would I want to do and have?

2. If I had to let go of everything (physical, material, emotional…) weighing me down, what would I let go of?

3. What would I need to embrace to become the best and highest version of myself?

   Now, put pen to paper and jolt down what comes to mind!

Oh wow - we went there. (If you haven’t written anything yet, pause here, go back and REALLY do it. I promise, it’s life-changing!) Truth is, we have about 30,000 thoughts a day - would it kill us to spend time with at least 3 decent worthy ones?! Most people don’t dare ask those questions. It’s scary, just like retirement plans are when you haven’t prepared your financial future!

But it doesn’t have to be scary at all. It can be so fun! Remember this: YOU are creating your life. That’s worth some time and effort.

what’s the story you’d like to tell about yourself?

A Crisis in Confidence

“Go confidently in the direction of your dreams!”

— Henry David Thoreau

I stood inside the Mac store window, two small sticky stars covering my nipples and a thin strip of nude fabric for underwear, fear rippling down alongside my body.

“This will be good for you,” my agency had told me. “It’ll raise your confidence.” The year was 2003. I was brand-new to modeling, even though I was already twenty-two. I knew absolutely nothing about fashion, least about confidence –a concept foreign to me.

Even though that moment in the window felt like a deep-dive into the classic nightmare where you appear naked in public, it did raise some confidence in me. In the challenge, I discovered that nothing bad was in effect happening. People came to talk to me, either to pay compliments, share reflections on their own experiences, or simply offer compassion. Stripped off all my usual protective layers, I realized that people were mostly kind and benevolent. So, why was I so scared of everything?

The suffering, it turns out, was all in my head, fearful and full of assumptions.

What I’ve learned over the years, dealing with anxiety, is that confidence is a muscle you build. It was in New-Zealand, on the other side of the world, that I started learning how to flex that muscle.

When you don’t have confidence, when you doubt yourself and your ability to figure things out, it affects every area of your life: your relationships, work/school, your mental and physical health, as well as your finances. Self-doubt can lead to hypervigilant behaviors, from being hyper critical and blaming others, to feeling unloved or inferior, withdrawing, shutting down, being a victim of abuse or having suicidal thoughts. Anxiety, depression, lack of support, physical or mental health issues, perfectionism, social media are all possible sources of insecurities. I’ve experienced all of them first hand.

Lacking confidence keeps us from living a big and full life. The underlying stress, distress or anxiety that comes with it can slow us down, and even pulls us back to the point that we become so discouraged that we stop going for our dreams. While the subject is complex, with a good understanding and a sound plan of action, we can eventually begin to un-peal each obstacle standing on the way to confidence.

I spent a few years in therapy to understand and befriend my trauma and fear of abandonment. Until I could own my story, I couldn’t begin to deal with it, let alone heal from it. Eager to turn what I was learning about myself into action, I started a meditation practice and began coaching myself. I learned to relax and get control over my response to life. I stopped being so scared of everyone, and even wrote a book about embracing the unknown! I continued to go deeper, exploring mysticism and energy healing, practices that keep me connected to the highest parts of me, and which now forms the core of my personal and professional coaching and healing practice.

The journey never ends, I thought, when I moved to New York. More challenges kept rising and new layers of self-doubt would show up. I was determined to not let any of my fears stop me any longer and to explore this new life I was creating. The only constant is change, it is said. Never done. Life will undo some parts of us, we might close off for a while, and may unfold again. It’s ok. It’s normal. And when that happens, it’s important to remember to embrace the whole of who we are, especially the scared part of us. That’s healing. I find it helps to place a hand on my heart and say to my younger and scared part: I got you. I hear you. I’m here for you.

During those first years of modeling in New York, I faked it. I got an idea of what it looked like to be confident on the outside and modeled that. (I was also taking acting classes!) I then learned to connect to the feeling and faked it until I felt it. (I was also reading the best-seller book, The Secret.)

What I was also doing, without realizing it, was that I was constantly challenging myself.

From the moment I went backpacking around the world and then gave modeling a try, I took a major step into the unknown. For the first time in my life, I had no back-up plan. Truth is, it worked out pretty ok! And that’s exactly what helped me build trust in myself and the world at large.

As I made my own path, I learned to walk with more confidence, to stand a little taller, full of appreciation for my progress in life and filled with gratitude for those who had walked along by my side, guiding and supporting me. I began to know myself. And I began to trust my ability to figure things out and keep moving and growing in the world. Confidence is a building of many blocks.

“You got to see the problem as the portal. ”

— Darren Weissman

A few years ago, my anxiety surged again. I was separating from my child’s father and it was just awful and painful. There were aspects of myself that needed deeper healing still. In relationships, I avoided. I was a people-pleaser and showed signs of co-dependency. While I had grown confident in many areas of my life, in relationships, I hadn’t. My mind was set on the belief that something was wrong with me. Here I was again, with that less than feeling. I went back to the drawing board and focused on the foundation. I did a lot of grounding practice and completed my reiki master certification during that time. I faced new fears, as I was now a single mum, with a house and tenants to manage alone.

It became more and more clear that low self-confidence came from a negative mindset, where there’s just not enough of everything. When you feel less than, there’s not enough love, kindness, money, intelligence, or beauty to go around. You act and react from a negative mindset -something is missing and you’re looking at your cup half-empty.

In an abundance mindset, we see the world positively, with a cup half full. There’s enough of everything and we are enough.

It’s the challenges we go through that give us the opportunity to grow more confident, if we’re willing to shift mindset. Peace and harmony eventually return and we feel whole again. Confidence is a coming home to the self and a pathway to freedom. If there’s plenty, there’s no limit. It’s not only safe to be ourselves, it’s also freeing.

Today, my on-going practice is to not close again and stay open to the challenges, knowing I got this, no matter what. I wasn’t raised confident, but I can flex this muscle and grow every day a little more. Investing in ourselves that way is a little like investing in stocks: it grows with compound effects.

Guiding Principles and Practices

Confidence is an inside job that begets more traction when you repeat positive experiences.

You’ll find below some principles and practices that will help you build up some confidence. That’s self-care, my sweet and beautiful friend!

• Talk kindly to yourself and challenge any unkind thought.

• Use positive affirmations

• Avoid comparison with others. Only compare yourself to the version you used to be and the one you strive to become.

• Own your story. Understand your journey, accept it and keep traveling.

• Challenge yourself. Over and over again.

• Remind yourself that it’s ok to make mistakes.

• Focus on the positive by celebrating every success you have.

• Make it a habit at night to list your progress.

• Surround yourself with positive people.

• Work on your boundaries. What’s ok, not ok with you. Follow through.

• Stand taller and practice walking with a long spine, head up.

• Meditate. Spend time in silence. Be in the present moment. Ground yourself.

You deserve a big beautiFULL life. I can’t wait to see what you do with it!

Love,

Sandrine

Finding the heart in what we do

HAPPY HOLIDAYS, my sweet and beautiful friend!

While it is a time where we celebrate different religious and cultural traditions, one value stands at the heart of all: unity. Many of us gather with our loved ones, friends and family, to celebrate the simple joy of being together.

Hosting dinner parties gives me great joy. We had to stop for a while, which makes me appreciate those gatherings even more now. My little girl gets fully involved in the process of decorating; she instantly fills the room with her warmth and creative light!

I wasn’t raised at home in the catholic tradition, it was more of a societal backdrop against which I navigated, without any uniform message. But truth is, I really missed not having a faith, or system. Some of my friends went to church, some people referred to passages in the Bible, and we had nothing to refer to. I felt a void and a disconnect from the world around me -manifest and un-manifest. I was thirsty for deep conversations, meaningful gatherings and a “thing” that would somehow be the source of the connection I needed.

Pregnant, I started writing a book: Waiting for Emma. I wanted to connect with my baby girl, and teach her everything I had learned so far. Looking back, it feels like this was the basis of my relationship with my daughter -intimate, honest and with room for mistake. I was fully immersed in my meditation and coaching trainings, and energy work. I needed to put ideas together and make the whole coherent.

I had also started drafting Odette, and this “putting together” was now giving it depth and layers. (I know! Odette has been yeeeaars in the making!!) I couldn’t be happier with the result, and I’m so excited to soon share this book with you! As I’m preparing for the FINAL phase of the process, it helps me to reflect on why I started it.

At the heart of Odette’s Alphabet is my desire to unite people around common values that build us, both as individuals and as communities. These are: Authenticity, Friendship, Adventure, Peace, Happiness, Purpose, Kindness… I dreamt of a fantastic bond between children and parents (and educators). It’s not always easy to find the right words to communicate what we think and feel, and having a book to support our ideas is helpful. It’s a common ground and a place to start great conversations! And that’s really my mission with Odette: creating meaningful connections.

Odette is my attempt to fill the gap I felt, growing up.

I hope it’ll initiate conversations that can help both kids and grown-ups walk with more confidence through challenges, and build enough resilience to overcome them.

Each of the concepts I explore in the letters have helped me on my own parenting journey -failing plenty at it and learning plenty too-, as well as my re-parenting journey. I’ll quickly explain the “Inner Child” we each have living inside of us. Without going too deep, the way we care for the child we once were is connected to the way we care for ourselves now (and possibly others too). Yes, it’s no joke! But how amazing is it that we get constant opportunities to heal and re-build?!

We all struggle, doubt ourselves and feel vulnerable at times. That’s the beauty of this human existence. But we don’t have to go through it alone… We are not alone! When we are in the same space, we are actually one, and feel whole. (That’s why Y is for Yoga ;) ) For this holiday season, I wish you to feel loved and at home, wherever you are and with whomever you go.

Sending you Big Love,

Sandrine

Did this inspire you? Please, share in comments below! What are the challenges you are currently going through, in your parenting or in life?

This is a place to express yourself and let your story unfold…

The 5 super-powers of a curious mind

In my coaching practice, I’ve noticed a few key moments where my clients inevitably get stuck, especially in the early sessions of working together. One of those moments is when the judgement they hold of themselves shows up. We often are our harshest critic and part of my job is to give my client an opportunity to pause and examine their thought, so we can keep moving forward in the session and in the coaching. It is common for many of us to have a thought, a belief, or a fear holding us back in life. When this happens, I tell my client: “Let’s stay here for a moment and just be curious about it.” This instantly relaxes them. They no longer need to have all the answers. It’s ok to just be and not know. That process alone is transformative. It’s like removing a huge roadblock that allows us to keep exploring and making progress down the lane.

So, my sweet and beautiful friends, brace yourself for a whole new adventure together, through the wonders of the curious mind, how it benefits us and how we can get there.  

Being curious seems like an innate state of being at first -a state that’s usually associated with children and innocence. You might just be born with it… We’re curious about things that interest us -simple enough. There’s no accompanying judgment. We enter a new space, or even meet someone, without expectation… And that is where it gets challenging: we always want something!

As we accumulate experiences, we start expecting things or people to be a certain way. We get conditioned a certain way, whether by our parents, our school, or society at large. Some of us might even become jaded, over-skeptical, scared, hopeless or closed off. Un-curious. Seen it, been there, done that. We think we know. Too much ego. Too many fears, really. It might even become difficult for some of us to start something new. The stakes become high and you face stagnation, the enemy of growth and evolution. Now, to me, that’s scary. Which leads us to…

Your 1st super-power: Openness.

To be curious, you have to be open, or willing to open up. It asks of you to let go of what you know, to embrace what you don’t know, your own identity included. In Lau Tzu’s words: “When I let go of who I am, I become what I might be.” This is an idea that I explored in my first book, Hello the unknown. We can begin again. And again. If we’re willing to let go of who we think we are.

Practice:

In the morning, before the hustle and bustle begins, take a moment to yourself to be quiet. Place your attention on your breath and begin following its movement. Once you’ve settled into a comfortable rhythm begin asking yourself questions such as: “Who am I ?” Let that reflection sit with you for a few breaths. See if any answer comes up, from deep inside you. No need to force anything. If nothing comes up, let that be. You can continue if you like by also asking yourself: “What do I want?” and my favorite, “How can I serve?”. This will train your mind to be more curious and open.

Your 2nd super-power: Courage.

To me courage is not the absence of fear, it’s doing what’s scary anyway. If you’re willing to stay with the discomfort of fear, you will see yourself growing more emotionally resilient.

A way to be with fear could be as simple as saying to yourself: “Ok, I see you, Fear.” And then stay with it. Be curious about your fear, and even what it has to say to you. Fears are very often source of wisdom and our ticket to freedom. Gain control over your fears by staying curious about them.

Practice:

When a fear or stress arises next time, try telling yourself this: “This is temporary. This situation won’t last. I can do hard things and move past this.” Accept feeling uncomfortable. Don’t resist or fight it. It’s part of life! What matters is your reaction to the situation, not the event itself. Stay, get curious and see what happens next.

Your 3rd super-power: Trust

When I was twenty-three, I completely changed direction in life. I started doubting the firm belief that I was going to be an English teacher in France. I went backpacking around the world for a year and realized I no longer wanted to do it anymore. And just then, something incredible happened: I heard a voice. It was my intuition beckoning me to do something wild and unreasonable. It was telling me to give modeling a chance!

I had been cultivating my curiosity on the road, but this was really wild. Still, I got curious and eventually decided to trust my own guidance. I never once regretted it…

Curiosity may not give you the confidence you need to do anything, but with practice and analysis, it’ll help you develop trust in your own abilities to make things work. And overtime, you will build the courage you need to be and stay on your path.

Practice:

Write a list of all the times you trusted your intuition. What happened? Write another list when you didn’t trust your intuition. What happened?

Finally, write down what you’d like to do differently in your life.

Your 4th super-power: Wonder.

In my children’s book Odette’s Alphabet, coming out early next Spring, we explore at Letter W the magic of Wonder. To experience the wonderful, having a curious mind is essential. You may start noticing too how each of the super-powers you build start interacting with each other. Your openness and trust pave the way to seeing life as a gift. Soon, your eyes wonder and your heart grows fonder.

Practice:

When you wake up, repeat this mantra: “Something wonderful is going to happen. I just don’t know what it is.” The challenge here is to really mean it and take the time to feel it. Feel the sense of wonder building in your heart. Feel the excitement at the tip of your fingers for infinite possibilities. Because, my beautiful friend, anything is possible.

Your 5th super-power: Communication.

I’ve shared before about a dating experience I recently had. I was in the cab on the way to the restaurant, when I noticed I was preoccupied about what the other person was going to think of me. How stressful that was! I changed gear the moment I realized what I was doing and leaned in to the side of curiosity. “I’m curious to get to know this person,” I told myself. The stress I had felt instantly dropped, as my assumptions did. I could sense my body relax, my mind open up and my energy tingle with excitement. And if you’re curious to know, I had a fantastic date! Remember, the best way to not close off is to stay open.

Practice:

Next time you’re in disagreement with someone, command your mind to be curious about the situation. What you can objectively observe, as if there had been a camera in the room? Write down what actually happened and what was said. Remove any interpretation and judgment.

Curiosity makes room inside. And that new found space gives you greater ease to navigate your relationships. When we can hold space for ourselves and others, we begin to heal.

If you enjoyed this, share with your friends! Sign up at sandrinemarlier.com to receive my free monthly newsletter and weekly blog. And please come say Hi! On Instagram @sandrinemarlier where I share plenty of life-tools videos.

One last thing, this season, say yes to new experiences. You never know, it might be the best one of your life!

Love,

Sandrine

Feminine Magic

The fire was crackling. The moon, so full, was making waves in Upstate New York this weekend. I was struggling with my moods – mostly feeling irritable: yeah!- and confided to my male friend: ‘I wish I were a man. We’re constantly going through new phases in our cycle; our body changes and our feelings are so inconsistent. It’s exhausting to be a woman sometimes!’ I could see he was really taking my lament in as best he could. ‘You need a hug?’ he offered. :) Bless him, I really needed a big bear hug! 

In the morning, I sat with my glass of lemon water and drifted into a contemplative meditation facing the fall forest mirrored into the lake. (I swear, it was that dreamy!) The leaves flying by softly, like snow falling off mountain caps. My gaze lifted and I fixed the line between the clear blue sky and the huddled trees. It felt solid. Like an unmoveable force facing me. The leaves, pieces of immediate change. Trees shedding… And like a branch in the face, this simple truth: all in Nature comes in cycle. The divine feminine!, my wise self shouted. Chaos is the place of creation. We women create. Like Nature does. We cycle within, like Nature does, birthing possibilities for change and new life every single month. 

I stared at the trees and the leaves and the sky and all that always is, and felt nothing but awe and gratitude for being woman. Even with those short bloody cycles going on endless repeat! 

Water mirrors, Fire burns, Wood grounds and Moon winks at Woman…

Loving myself pregnant, with a baby, an idea or a project, sure feels easier than loving my crazy. Yet, to truly love myself, all woman that I am, is to love Nature and embrace all the cycles

Ladies, I love you, wholeheartedly.

Gentlemen, I love you so for holding us in a hug when we need it most. 

You are the creator

Like a crown on a string

The vision of my life starts moving

You just can’t get there, have those things

If you spread yourself constantly out thin

You must climb high

And above all stay for pie

Don’t settle for crumbs or jump out of sight

Keep your eyes on a line, focused and tight

A maple in a garden

Growing along bells takes the burden 

Away from you, me and the city -heaven

But where’s your kingdom, your map of Eden?

You must dream it

You are the creator of the suite

The magic in you is all you need to see fit

Stand up tall, focus on your goal - you are it! 

My trigger, my healer

‘Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing

and rightdoing there is a field.

I'll meet you there.’

-Rumi

‘Ouch, that hurts!’ Someone said or did something and you realize that comment or action is awakening a wound inside of you. You pause. Get quiet for a moment so you can fully feel what’s going on within you before taking an appropriate response.

Ok. Yes! If only you could have done that! If only you had not been triggered…

We were on vacation and all I could focus on was how critical my friend (friend of a friend) was being. Almost everything she said was triggering me. I had all this judgment growing and festering inside. And the irony, of course, is that I wasn’t seeing how the situation was mirroring something I wanted to heal so badly: my own judgment and critical mindset.

If we choose to see it differently, a trigger can be a wonderful tool to draw our attention in, often on something we need to change, either about ourselves or in our life. Now, I’m not saying this is easy – it can be super tricky to get perspective and see how the mirror is playing out in our situation. But there is a nugget somewhere for us to reflect upon.

We are constantly given opportunities to heal our wounds. Life offers a myriad of case scenarios to play out our pains, frustrations and fears. It speaks directly to the wound that did not get a chance to heal.

Does truth hurt? Or is it the illusion that we have of our own perfection that hurts? Or maybe you need to explore your sense of safety and take action to get out of the situation if the trigger persists. In that case, I recommend seeking the help of a professional.

But we all have things to heal. And the trigger has the potential to liberate us from our suffering. The trigger is an indication that something is out of balance. The trigger is an invitation to go within, heal and welcome back all of our parts.

When we don’t pay attention, we might fail to notice that we are being triggered. Here we are, running full mode into: ‘he’s wrong and I’m right!’ End of conversation. ‘I’m a good person. She sucks.’ We are in conflict. We create separation between ourselves and the other. We lose our common ground and run on a field of righteousness. I know, I go there too! And I waste my time and energy. So I’m learning to pause. Sometimes right away, sometimes it takes me ten minutes, an hour, a day, a year… It’s never too late to acknowledge, take responsibility and begin the healing.

When we’re triggered, we must go to the source, to our own teacher.

The first step is to let go of the need to be right and make the other wrong. Then invite the ‘ouch!’ to sit on the couch, and hear it! Listen with intent to what is has to say. It usually holds precious information if you are willing to get curious about it. Hear the pain, like a child crying or screaming. That’s what you will find underneath the trigger. We can’t blame someone for triggering us. We have to take responsibility for our pain. At the source, there is a fear, a pain, a doubt… It usually lies underneath the initial feelings of anger, frustration, irritation, resentment… The key is to get curious.

Letting go of the need to be right and better than the other person allows us to clear the way so we can see and hear what really wants to emerge. In my case, I realized that all my judgment, both directed at the other and at myself, was begging for me to open my heart and find compassion, starting with self-compassion…

Ask yourself: ‘What do I need?’ Then listen to your voices, to your heart, to your body, your spirit, your guardians, your God… Tap into all of your resources and give yourself what you know you truly need to recover from the trigger and give yourself a new opportunity to heal a deeper wound.

When we take the walls down of our resistance, we enter the field of our own wisdom. We find our center and live with greater peace, ease and joy.

With love,

Sandrine

Live in your center

Give up wanting to be right

Give up wanting to be perfect

You are enough

You are whole

And resourceful.

Feeling whole and loved is our responsibility. But how do we get there on our own when life seems to be throwing rocks of stress, confusion, and overwhelm?

Perhaps the greatest gift we can give ourselves is to learn how to live in our center. Create a space so sacred inside that you always want to come home. When we welcome all the parts of us, holding space for ourselves, wherever we are, we feel whole. 

To love is to make whole. To be whole is to live in our center. We may be flawed but not insecure.

We don’t bring any of the stories that got us out of our center. But we do bring back the energies we tried to push out and instead, work them on the inside. We let them move inside. We create space. We breathe space so energy can move and so we can relate to it differently. Look at it differently. This is love. We have to be willing to see things differently. And then send love to all those parts, especially those we push away. This act of self-love restores balance, and our weaknesses become our strengths. 

If we try to control the movement, if we hold on too tight to our self-image, concepts and importance, we lose our power. We disconnect, disregard, avoid, separate…. Our job is to bring everything back inside and love the whole of who we are. Love the whole of who others are and the whole of what life is, like we would our own children, without judgment. 

We all have stories. We all have pain. We all have demons. The difference lies in our resistance to our stuff and how willing we are to let go and love it all, so we can heal and go beyond. 

Here’s a mantra I’ve been working with lately and that might help you too: I keep you safe in my love. It came to me after sitting in meditation one day. I use it when I’m parenting so I don’t get upset when my daughter clogs the toilets with paper just before going to school. I use it with myself when I feel frustrated, upset, ashamed… I don’t want to stop the flow of love. The more I’m able to send love to those parts of me, the safer they are to come home and the more freedom I experience. This gentle relaxation of the heart frees us and also lets others be free to be who they are. And together we surrender to the medicine of one – the medicine of love.